Dating Preferences; Sometimes They're Okay

Preferences are every where. In the food we eat, the shows we watch, the jobs we apply for, and if dating apps have taught me anything in the last 5 odd years, it's that now, partner preferences are at the forefront of everyone's minds, and they have evolved from the simple 'tall, dark and handsome' into complex decisions that can change the way we think about a person, and dating as a whole.

20 years ago, we didn't have a platform to air out our preferences. We didn't have tinder bio's to let boys know that we 'only date over 6ft'. We could discuss it as much as we want with our friends over dinner and wine, but it was never put out into the world unless we went around telling first dates our (usually extensive) lists.

But we have the platform now. Even pre-teens and teenagers, without access to dating profiles, are asked what they look for in a partner. We are all expected to have a list.

So let's explore the idea of preferences in dating, and why some of them, however 'controversial', can be okay sometimes.

Why do we develop some preferences

Science gives us two possible hypothesis behind why we make certain marital decisions and mate choices.

Potentials attract: people choose mates matched with 'sex-specific trails indicating reproductive potentials'

This is basically the aged old idea that specific gender physicality traits play a huge role in who we deem attractive and 'mate material'.

They hypothesise that men want women with youthfulness, health and physical attractiveness.

Women want men with ambition, social status, financial wealth and commitment towards partners.

This notion was never more prevalent than the 90's, which is considered the height of purity culture. A patriarchal society encourage parents to introduce rules on what a future spouse should look like; a 'Kingfish List' is a common term for a list of attractive attributes of a future spouse. Parents wanted their daughters to marry men with a stable job and strong family values, and their sons were encouraged to marry young women that kept up physical appearances, and were keen to take up the role of doting wife and eventual mother.

As kids, we start these lists of our own volition, and they develop as we get older and start to get a feel for what we might realistically want in a partner.

Likes attract: we choose mates similar to themselves in a variety of attributes

These days, similar attributes are centred around education level, age, race and hobbies, and are usually introduced through family or mutual friends.

It can mean that sometimes we would stay set in our ways; for example, we only date within our own ethnicity because it's just 'easier'; we have common themes in language, culture, religion and values. In some instances, this is pushed on us by our parents. There have been studies conducted that confirm familiarity breeds attraction).

If that wasn't enough, psychologists cannot explain the possibility that these factors might not play as strong a role in an online environment, which is becoming an increasingly popular method of seeking out a mate.

Regardless of whether these hypothesis' are accurate, we all still have preferences, whether they can be explained scientifically or not. It's not wrong to have preferences, but it can get murky when we look at exclusions, exploitation's or fetishisation, particularly of marginalised cultures.

What are some of the common preferences

Some of the most common preferences relate to standard things; age, height, education level and income.

Let's split this into two separate genders.

Male

• Age: Prefer two years young

Can accept 25 years younger or 28 years older

• Height: Prefer a 10cm difference

• Career: Students, accountants, educators, nurse

• Education level: Prefer the same academic qualification or lower

This relates to men whose education level is below and undergraduate.

No 'barriers' for men to contact women with lower educational qualifications

• Income: No preference, as long as it is stable.

Most of this data perpetuates the idea that men seek women who are naturally nurturing (as it 'usually' indicates they would be a good mother), and someone who won't 'outdo' them in terms of education level or income.

Females

• Age: Prefer older men

Can accept 11 years younger or 23 years older

• Height: Prefer a 12cm difference

• Career: Management, finance, education and private business owners

• Education level: Prefer the same academic qualification

More reluctant to communicate with someone below their educational level

• Income: Prefer a decently high and stable income

The data correlates with the idea that women seek a man who can provide for them financially, and are on equal intellectual playing fields.

There is also a new common preference that people are more open to speaking about; race.

I think the preference has always existed, especially for people that are encouraged to date within their own race.

If it's not your own race, then studies have shown that men are more likely to be interested in those outside their own race, whereas women (except 'blacks') are most drawn to caucasian men.

Men of all races are also seen to prefer asian women. This is a highly fetishised idea that has been circulating for a while, as asian women are typically seen to be nurturing, feminine and physically attractive (height, weight).

One preference that not a lot of people like to admit is a preference for certain body shapes.

Classic ideas of body shapes are heavily presented in dating shows, such as MAFs and Love Island, but the media neglects to show other body types, therefore perpetuating the stereotype that they are to be deemed unattractive.

Short men are overlooked.

Physical handicaps are hardly ever reflected as 'eligible singles'.

Those considered above societies approved 'weight' are overlooked.

There are also other common preferences, such as religion and various hobbies.

What do we actually think about someone's preferences

What we think about preferences depends on the circumstances.

On the one hand, it is very easy to see why someone would date within their culture or religion. It's an easy way to please the parents, and avoid potential arguments over differences in opinion in such vital aspects of someones life. Some outsiders might see this a giving up too much control and choice in order to please the wider community, but it is an occurrence that has been around for centuries and is almost somewhat expected.

Society considers it 'strange' when someone veers far off this path; friends and family will question why, for example, someone from the west would date someone from the east. You can be met with a constant barrage of comments and questions; are you just trying to be different, are you automatically attracted to everyone in that race, is it because of a celebrity you like. This is especially true when it concerns what society deems as race that are not typically 'attractive'.

Then there are the personal reactions. The victimisation we can sometimes place on ourselves if we don't fit into someones ideal type. Words such as fat-phobic, racist, fetishisation, homophobic, are thrown around by 'victims' who don't understand someone else's preferences and feel personally offended by them.

Are some of our preferences okay?

Despite what anyone tells you, everyone will still have preferences. We will still always have that list in the back of our mind every time we scroll through a dating app, or sit down for that first date. We don't want to settle; settling can lead to problems and arguments in the future, with a partner that doesn't meet our ideal personality preference, or whom doesn't fit into our ideal lifestyle and goals.

But, for the sake of ending off on a clean note;

No one can say for sure whether certain preferences are okay. It's personal interpretation, and based off a lifetime of experiences that cannot be overlooked.

If we date within our own race and religion, it's a norm that is accepted by society, and usually not questioned or considered to be wrong.

Certain preferences towards physical attributes have always existed; even centuries ago, women were actively seeking out the strongest male in a group, for protection. Back then, it was something needed for survival, but there is still a biological evolution to seek out these men in particular.

It becomes murky when there are hidden agendas behind the preference; an attraction to asian women because they're submissive, or refusing to date middle eastern men because they 'all have multiple wives'. These sorts of things are not okay (obviously) but still exist in a lot of peoples minds as being acceptable as long as they don't talk about it.

The idea is to get rid of ideas that stereotype an entire race, gender, religion, etc.

Find someone attractive because their personality, life goals and values are aligned.

An example of heteronormative preferences is regarded above, and cannot be reflected as standard practice across relationships of differing sexuality.